Theresa May’s magic money deal with the Democratic Unionist Party makes Voldemort look like a muggle on this Harry Potter 20th anniversary.
In some tongues BREXIT must actually translate as ABRACADABRA. I mean WOW. Britain is still grey with austerity but Theresa May can find £100,000,000 per DUP vote to keep herself in power because she believes it is her destiny to ride the BREXIT-broomstick.
Here’s miserable old me thinking BREXIT is a big pile of shite dumped by Cameron and lapped up by the racists, xenophobes and neo-imperialists, plunging Britain into even more mad mess but I was wrong wrong wrong. I am so happy.
You could say I am hysterical…
It turns out that because we are committed to BREXIT (even though not one bloody person knows what that entails) and the Article 50 clock has been ticking for some time now, Theresa May is suddenly able to find £1 billion bribe down the back of the Treasury sofa for a DUP shore-up. It’s amazingly amazing. Britain has had austerity shoved down its throat for years and poor people and immigrants have been blamed and vilified by the mass media, but now that the PM needs the 10 Irish Neanderthals to keep her in power - tadaaaaaaaah.
The DUP are not even in coalition with The Conservative party. They don’t have to fag for May like ex-Liberal leader Clegg (who rightly lost his seat in the general election) did for Cameron. If it were a coalition May might have gifted them Wales and the Outer Hebrides.
And if you argue that this is not magic BREXIT money, I can prove you wrong. If it were not magic BREXIT money then it would have been available to quickly and efficiently help the victims of Grenfell Tower – which – it seems – it was not (see last week’s post).
But the magic, amnesia-inducing and mind bending properties of BREXIT magic stretch much further than even I – a writer of adult fiction and children’s fantasy – could ever have imagined.
The BREXIT-induced general election transformed pumpkin Corbyn into a political princess. Though he did fuck all, to any effect, during the referendum to argue for remaining in the EU or protecting EU citizens’ rights, Corbyn was recently cheered like the lead singer of a fusion folk-rock-punk collective at Glastonbury Festival by all the privileged middle class kids who could afford to go.
We must all sprinkle some BREXIT seeds out of our windows tonight and see if they sprout into magic beanstalks. I might put some in the back of my wardrobe and see if a magical world opens up behind it.
Maybe BREXIT is the new MATRIX and if I take the red BREXIT pill I will instantly know Kung-Fu, how to fly a helicopter and how to make a black, patent leather trench coat look good.
Unfortunately, like other rabbit holes – BREXIT is just a dark, damp dead end.
The list of things that were not considered before we entered this twisted Alice in Wonderland scenario is staggering; the Irish border question – now further complicated by the Government’s indebted position to the DUP. Why were not rights of EU citizens and Brits abroad considered before the referendum; free trade, free movement, the issue of the exit fee and so on and so on and so forth?
“The mess is so big and so deep and so tall
We cannot clear it up there is no way at all”
(The Cat in the Hat by Dr Seuss)
SO – while many EU leaders made sad noises when the Leave campaign won, their regret smells fake to me.
They look at our increasingly unpalatable, racist foreign secretary with incredulity.
They heard bumptious David Davis boast about his negotiating prowess right up to day 1. of exit negotiations where he immediately capitulated to the EU position.
They will remember how the British government shamefully reneged on promises to help suffering migrant children fleeing war.
Right now they must wonder who will end up as head of the UK asylum. Will it be the discredited Theresa May who campaigned to remain in the EU but then morphed before our very eyes into a hard Brexiteer and has just made a greasy deal with the DUP to cover her election failings? Will it be Jeremy Corbyn, darling of the £238-per-ticket 2017 Glastonbury festival who flirted with UKIPs 1950s attitudes to foreign workers and is in favour of squashing free movement of EU citizens but thinks, on that basis, Britain could still be in the free market?
They will look at how the banks have deserted the UK after being bailed out by the public purse.
They will listen to Tory claims that we have economic power to our elbow because the EU could not afford to lose the spending obsession of the Brits – while they and everyone else know that the proportion of that spending based on credit (DEBT) is so vast that the next crash is already looming.
The remaining EU countries will see just how little, in reality, the UK cares about green issues (see blog 236).
Forward looking EU countries already know how UK society is anchored to incompetence and inadequacy and nepotism by the Old boys’ network, the private school privilege which ensures that those who have money get on rather than those who have skill, talent, imagination and drive (see blogs 35, 64, 65, 103, 113, 117, 171, 187, 201++).
Now they will look at the dirty DUP payoff while the rest of the UK is smarting from austerity and know that Britain has collectively lost its marbles and it's democracy.
And, whatever they say in the open, however diplomatic they are or however much they feel the need to publicly state that they regret the UK’s departure – in private – I bet my last bar of chocolate – EU leaders are saying,
Because if I were in continental Europe rather than the UK that is what I would be saying…
Amanda is available for public speaking / lunch or dinner comedy-entertainment /panel discussions etc. Inquiries to Caro Day - email@example.com